Deck the hall with bling and hos!
When I was young I always though Santa was this sweet old guy with a long fluffy white beard and weight issues...but well overall such a nice guy that he'll fly around the world with Rudolph and the other reindeers and drop pressies for all the good kids. Then I stopped receiving the pressies I wished for at about 3 years old. Kept getting stuff I didn't really want. Then about 6 I found out Santa wasn't real. Then at about age 23, 1 month and 20 days....I decided...FUCK SANTA.
We need new management in place. Have you been naughty or nice? Screw that. I'm taking over the north pole and here's a list of things we need immediate rectification.
- Santa's ride is so uncool. We need to pimp it up a lil. Add some bling, some spinners, some chrome, some funky paintjob and new upholstery. Heck I'm definitely not gonna wanna ride in some dumbass sleigh with no sunroof, cupholders, ps3, 10 inch plasmas and a rocking sound system. And screw the reindeers. I want a supercharged engine which does 0-100 in 0.1 secs (hey I gotta get around the world to all the parties in time right?). And I figured I know what the upholstery's gonna be like....reindeer hide.
- The lil elves are being exploited by damn Santa. And besides they work too slowly and I can't be arsed to deal with the Elf Union. So fuck it, all toys are gonna be made in China. At least they're willing to work for below the minimum wage!
- Santarinas are in desperate need of a new wardrobe. I'm signing up Victoria's Secret as our new "uniform" sponsor and provider. Rufina (btw rufie you so have such a christmas-sy name) has "volunteered" to oversee the revamp of the Santarina department as head Santarina. Btw I did find a lil skimpy red number for you lol *wink*
- Policy changes are also to take into account that this new Santa is lactose intolerant and not exactly too partial to cookies. So waiting for me at every point of visit should be Cristal and beluga caviar with nice wafers. Failure to do so would well, piss this Santa off. And this Santa aint "nice"...
- Being nice is fine and stuff. But come on, we all know that being naughty is "oh-so-nice"...
Now go forth people of the world. Christmas is just around the corner. Go get your supply of mistletoe and snog along. There's a new Santa around....Santa-J!
"You smell good. Wanna smell me?" ~ Johnny Bravo
P Diddy feat. Nicole Scherzinger ~ Come to Me
posted by Justin at 5:29 pm
2 Comments:
you'll never guess who i bumped into the other day - does the phrase "Rm700 dollar dress" ring a bell?
ahahah - didnt ask if she was preggers tho :p
are you serious??
man i haven't seen/heard from her since we left Taylors...and well if she did end up preggers it wouldn't count in my statistical analysis...that particular one doesn't count (i reefffuuusseee to add her to the sample population haha)
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